Mopey Shade of Blue

(Love this dresser created by Flea Market Trixie using old map)

It is nearly 11 am and I have done nothing today (laundry loads and dishes aside) except mope around in bed. I am feeling quite grey-blue, despondent and just plain tired. I really need to put up a list of things to be happy about like a favorite blogger does, but I also have a hard time focusing when I am feeling this way.

I came home this week for a funeral (my late father's older brother); to meet with the police regarding my wrongful ticket and employee misconduct; and, apparently, be a maid. The house is wrecked. I do not see ever getting it to look pretty. I started a painting project two weekends ago and the color of blue (a vintage map color) looks gorgeous, especially with the religionalia. However, I stalled at the edges because I cannot find the paint tape in all the mess this house has become since I went to KY.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment (one I have needed for months, but couldn't find the time for...my grey is popping out of my dark hair like fireworks). I also need to attend a wedding reception of a (in-law) niece I don't care for to be honest. I really just want to go back to KY. I really despise Indiana.


I am also certain 'justice' is a figment of our imagination. Should you ever get pulled over when you were not committing a crime (or moving violation). Let it go and accept they will ALWAYS be right. They can drag you out of the vehicle for whatever reason they deem fit and they do not have to show you any proof of your crime. Oh, they also do not have to identify themselves (hear that police impostors!!) Don't bother filing a complaint; they will have an excuse for everything. I get so tired of hearing I should have said, "Sir this, Sir that..." and not questioned why I was being pulled over. I was not speeding, I did not earn the citation, yet I will be punished for it anyway. Know this, however, should I ever be the officer you deal with, you can not only ask for my identification (and should), but I will tell you specifically why I am visiting you and show you the codes and information I have. I will not leave you in the dark to fight a battle you did not deserve. I do still believe that I work for citizens and I believe in the oath I took for my badge.

My husband is also on my shit list. He made a despairing comment about my body. Why do men do that shit? Really! Society is hard enough on us. Turning 40 is hard enough on us. Why make it worse? He has been back peddling from his slip, but it hurts. It will continue to nag at me because it is something hard to fix. I feel ugly.

I really want to go yard saling just to get my brain off these cycles of self-pity, but I know that bringing home more junk when I am piled over with projects is just stupid. I have garden stuff to contend with, laundry (you have no idea), decluttering, painting, fixing, and planning. I hate that sun has gone away (I never complain about sunshine even if it is bloody hot!) I really want to create something beautiful like that dresser above. My mother recently gave me an old world map that belonged to my father, but she tore it into pieces to throw it in the garbage (until learning I wanted it*). It is these lovely vintage shades of color. I tried taping it back together (it is a velum like material), but it looks awful. This would be a great way to rescue it.

OK, maybe this is something to be happy about today.

*My mother is not a sentimental person and has thrown most of my father's things out (or sold them in ys without asking his four children if they want anything. He told me on his deathbed that he had a box of letters out in the garage for me (he was to a point he could not leave a bed); he told me out of all of his children we shared a lot. I was in the dark as to what he could mean.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom mentions she found a box of love letters from my father's time in England (he met and married my mother at 30). She said they were just a bunch of garbage. I was (and am still) pissed at this action! I just know these letters were the ones my father meant and now I will never be able to read them. I also met and married my current husband in my 30's and, I too, lived somewhere else in my youth. I also loved and lost love during those years. I returned to IN due to a heartbreak that was real and momumental to who I am now. I think my father "related" to this heartbreak in his daughter.

OK, enough already. If you are reading still...thanks.

Weekly Forecast #2

Well, this is my second weekly forecast...I believe I am going to have to rename it BI-weekly Forecast since it seems the job wants me somewhere else every other week.

First, let's see how I did:

*Clean apartment
*Gather items and dirty laundry to take home Friday
*Gather tax receipts here (meaning apt) to take home
*Work on getting tax preparation organized
*Dust top of cabinets (IN home)
*Pay library fines and check on a couple of books (yeah, really need to improve here)
*Work out at Y at least three times (need to go to KY one and see if IN membership is good here)

Ei ei ei...not so good. I need to focus better. I am just feeling so drained these past few weeks. Maybe it is the travel, maybe just the winter blahs, but I can't seem to shake it. The last item, working out, would help my mood tremendously, but I can't get motivated to go (and I left my work-out shoes in KY).

So, here is the second focus list:

*Clean Apartment (KY)
*Work out
*Prepare tax documents
*Finish Valentine's for swap I am in and get them sent
*Dust top of cabinets (IN)
*Find 30 clothing/shoe items for 30 for 30 challenge (starts Feb 1).
*Update resume
*End of month/beginning of month accounting
*Get oil changes in vehicles
*Pay library fines (KY) and check out the books I need

I am hoping when the spouse gets home from work today I can tackle at least two-three of these things. Namely, the Valentines, the oil change (in one vehicle anyway) and maybe work out. I know none of these items are difficult and some are really routine, but with all my life changes everything feels like a huge challenge. I have so much going on that every. little. thing feels HUGE. Maybe I need to break the lists up into KY and IN lists. My location at any given moment dictates the chore at hand.

I am going through the typical winter blues right now and doing anything feels like plowing through mud. I wish we would have one blue sky day and a bit of winter thaw. I am tired of feeling cold and wet and miss the fresh air. At least we can cross January off the 2011 list.

Conundrum of Fickleness

Today should have been a great day...

Instead, it turned out to be one of those grey, gloomy, January, what-the-hell-am-I-doing-in Kentucky kind of days. Remember those $1.64 mint M & M's I mentioned the other day? Well, I am eating them straight out of the bag with my cinnamon tea tonight and hoping I don't fall back into one of the crying fits I've been having all evening.

I'm not sure how all of this happened. Kids and hubby came down to stay with me this weekend in order to give me a driving break and to look at the lovely house. We had a great Saturday: thrifting, trying new Louisville restaurant, picking up shells by the big Ohio River, watching movies back at the apartment. The kids seemed happy to be with me and I was truly enjoying having them near me. I miss them so much during the week (so much in fact, that when they squabble and scream at the top of their lungs in an apartment house it takes me longer to nearly have a nervous breakdown!! ;) They had planned to stay until Monday (holiday for me), but it turns out my eldest boy has scholastic testing starting this week so they left this evening. It actually would have made more sense for me to drive home and have an extra day with them.

Earlier today we did view the house. It is as I described, but I forgot to mention that I tend to be a fickle girl. My Ones only stay Ones in my imagination and I soon discover the flaws are bigger than the drive to make it mine. The house, unfortunately, is just too big of a project for me. And, I am just not in love with the land surrounding it. I think this is the biggie for me. While the house is the perfect shabby I could love and love to restore, the land surrounding it is open and ugly. This is difficult for me because I already own a mediocre house on some really, really beautiful land. Eight less acres than the IN house comes with and no woods or pastures or seclusion like my current home. The bad part here is the current home is not in the state I am living in most of the week. Seems I am stuck in the middle of a huge conundrum!

I did take a couple of photos before my battery died (note to self: check batteries before leaving) and I enjoyed looking through it again (I have to say it seemed a lot smaller to me this time). I even found a third fireplace (on the first floor) in a back part of a built in closet. Why would someone cover it? The disturbing thing I notice was someone had removed all of the fireplace doors and/or are trying to remove them altogether. I stressed to the realtor the fireplaces are what is selling me on the house and without them I am not interested at all. Maybe they are selling them...dumb move on their part because nothing else is worth the investment (maybe the main stairwell too).



On the way back to the hovel, I was lost in thought. Sure, the house has all the qualities that my dream house would have: slightly spooky (check), original features (check), located in a rural setting (check), animal visitors (check-first time a beagle, second a black cat), and priced to sell (check); hoever, something is holding me back. Something is not sitting well inside me.

Once home, KY apartment that is, I looked at my husband who is a terribly patient man (one of his best redeeming feature over and over because it is not just houses I can get fickle about) and suddenly I burst into tears. I can't even tell you the last time this happened to me. I don't just go around bursting out into tears. He hugged me and it was then I knew I just want to go home. Home, in my mind right now, is the ugly house and beautiful land we have back in Indiana.

I suddenly realized I am also not in love with my job. I took a huge leap of chance at quiting my old position and taking this new one. My job is interesting and a great party favor sort of job (you know the one where you tell someone what you do for a living and they get big-eyed and tell you how neat it sounds). It is a great job on paper, but I am not fitting myself into it. I, of course, will always do my best and force a fit, but I will suffer from the pain this forced satisfaction will cause. The pay is also great; I will have a hard time finding something in my field for the same amount. How do you know if you should trust your feelings: Should I give up and accept less money for something I may like better or is this just a temporary winter blues bubble caused by homesickness and stress of a new job? It is literally a mind-F if you know what I mean.

When I think about selling ugly house and buying something new (even lovely house) I just feel exhausted. The realtor was talking about lending and surveys and appraisals and inspections and I just wanted to walk away right then. Do you remember how stressful house buying is? We just bought ugly house three years ago. It is still fresh in my mind. And, the house is in sad disrepair. It will need a lot of major work (not on major systems, though, mostly cosmetic, like crumbling plaster and worn floors). This will require money. Ugly house was move-in ready (of course now we will need to fix our "wear and tear"). I just am so not confident we would be able to get it done. There are no outbuildings-a major problem for a thrifter like me and a procrastinator like my husband.

Anyway, I cried and cried. I needed it! I cried about the frustrations at my job (no training and the whole philosophy you learn after making mistakes-I am not good with this type of on-the-job training as I do not like to make mistakes), I cried about both houses, I cried because I miss my kids so much. I cried because I am starting to believe I made a huge faux pas by moving down to Kentucky. When I cried I wanted to go home, my husband never looked happier...