Crossroads Part I

Oh, so much to get caught up on again. This time it is illness that has had me down and behind: Severe Bronchitis. I laid around all day yesterday, miserably unable to breath and coughing like a mad woman. Today, I think my scent is starting to peek out behind the sinuses.

I guess it wasn't allergies; I suppose that is a relief. In the past year, I have been sick more than I have the entire proceeding decade. My co-worker says it is the back and forth between two climates (she did the same thing for 5 years and said she was constantly battling sickness). I tend to agree and, combined with the stress of being away from my sons and home, the every week commute and the crap work doles out, I think I am at the limit of what I can physically muster. I am tired of being sick, sick of being tired.

So, I was given a choice this week. I am standing at the proverbial crossroads. One path is, as every fairy tale demands, wrought with unknown and the other one is the one most would take, especially in our economic down times. My employer has offered 300 of us an opportunity to take a voluntary separation with an incentive. Now, the money is hardly great, but it's not bad either (represents a couple of months of salary). If I take it, I have to stay separated for 5 years (or pay it back).

On one hand, the choice would allow me to go home. I could find another job after a month or so of downtime. On the other one, I worked hard to get to where I am and I would basically be dumping this career. On one foot, I really am not in love with this job and the way the supervisors treat us (can you say 'military complex'?) and maybe leaving the path would proverbially open up some new door. On the other toes, I am one of 88 who do my job in the US and the chances of finding a similar (well-paid and benefited) job is going to be difficult, especially in hard hit Northern Indiana. Last, I love KY. I also know that my family is not moving there any time soon.

The main thing is this represents an opportunity to bail out before it gets worse. There are many, many rumors about what is going to happen and many involve dismantling some of our programs. In other words, I could get a lateral transfer to god knows where if I choose to stay and rough it out for the sake of my salary and position. I have no intentions of straying further from my boys, so I would have to voluntarily separate anyway...for free! We are being kept in the dark for now. If I take the incentive plan, my job ends by April 30...just like that!

So, now I am just standing here in the dark woods looking at these paths...

I am really curious about your feedback. I've run out of hands and feet!

Goals Week 3: Woe

1. Move: in at least three workouts (hotel has fitness room and pool). Twice
2. Budget: Start getting tax items together (make my yearly checkoff list)-nope
3. Learn: Read gardening books-some
4. Complete: finish all outstanding reports for work (these are different from files). :(
5. Sustain: Look online for potential jobs/update resume (a lot more on this later). no

Um, yea...I failed on all goal accounts last week. It ended up being a long, stressful, wintery, and tiring week. I did go to the gym twice, but, otherwise, I can't say I did much else. So, I will just carry it over to this week. I am skipping the other one I'm doing this week.

Motivation seems to be a huge factor for me when it comes to any task. This has not always been the case; generally, if I have an interest I plow full-steam into it, but if I have to do something I do the best I can anyway. Jobs have always been this way for me: I am highly productive, high achiever, and have always tried to be a top employee (e.g. volunteer a lot, participate, produce timely results, etc, etc). I've never had issues with discipline and have received many employment awards and accolades. My current job, however, seems to be really holding me back. Or maybe I should say: I am really holding back from my current job.

I tell myself I need to feel grateful to be employed, well-employed at that, and find something to love about the job. I can't believe how difficult this seems to be. I have a mean, self-centered supervisor who is causing great stress among her employees. And, for reasons I am unclear about, I seem to be fulfilling a self-made prophecy of pissing this boss off. I mean to say, a lot of what I am (not) doing (quickly enough) is the cause of the stress. I think I am being subconsciously passive aggressive. Dumb (on my part).

I have today off because I worked through Saturday this week (travel). Boss likes to bark orders and I tried to complete her order, but had some technical difficulties that IT is still working on. She is unhappy I didn't just jump when she said it. I just have never been able to work for people like this woman. Really, who can be motivated when you are constantly belittled, patronized, mistrusted and ragged upon? On the other hand, I am starting to slightly believe that the universe is conspiring to make everything hard (f-ing computer and f-ing security and f-ing bad luck).

Of course, I cannot give up as much as I want to. Sure, I want to go home. I am tired of Louisville. I am tired of micro-management. I am tired of a job that is slowly being phased out (making achievements few and far between to the chagrin of the boss). I am tired of feeling so damn unhappy. However, financially I am still getting us to a 'safe place'.

I look at the want ads back home now and then and I'm not seeing much else. I have to tough this out for now. Meanwhile, I need to find coping methods. It's been many, many years since I despised a job. I despise this job.

The Time that Wasn't

(Lovely Mary)

It's half over...September that is and summer 2011? Yes, just a memory now. I am still struggling with a very busy work schedule and (more) travel. This time I am heading to Alabama for training. More than likely, sadly, thrifting will not be an option due to time.

Rest assured, however, I have been thrifting. I have so, so many great things I have found and wanted to share with you all, but I just keep missing the linky parties. I am especially excited to participate in Sir Thrift-a-lot's new WTF! Tuesdays party. I actually went to a GW after work this week in hopes I could snap a photo, but I could not find anything weird and/or scary enough to share (if I hadn't been looking I'm sure I would have spotted plenty of scary clowns and creepy dolls!)

Something non-scary ( beautiful actually) I found recently at a flea market in KY is the lovely made-in-Italy Mary. I love her and she fits in perfectly with the gaggle of other Mary's I have collected over the years. The flea markets in Kentucky are fantastic. The selection is great and nearly every little town or city has one. And, the prices are better than the KY thrift stores and even yard sales. It feels a little like cheating because I always know I'll find some yummy vintage tidbit when I visit one. If you find yourself lost in KY, check the flea markets out before the thrift stores-you won't be disappointed!

Lots more fabulous finds at Her Library Adventures.

Mountains of Stuff

(My favorite find of the week is this gorgeous seahorse. It was a quarter and is stamped underneath with a tiny USA)

(Rise and shine, Sunshine! Needs a bit of a dusting!)


(It's a shoe shine box!)





(In a nutshell it is the history of the slate. Front view is in the group photo at the end.)

(Well, bad photo, but the slate has a painting of new Orleans. The bowl was made in Japan. My lovely seahorse rides in the bowl. I love these ornate metal frames-altho, not necessarily gold. A little Spanish cabinet for the doll house.)


Ok, the rest of the post below is a bit potty-mouthed. You've been dutifully warned.


I know. I created a new blog to neglect and ignore.It seems. This is not really a happy post, but I hope my photographs of hoarded crap make up for the rest of it. The thrift gods have been too good to me lately.

Life-on-the-other-hand. It has given me piles lately. And, by piles, I mean dog shit piles. I have no idea where to start. Do you even want to know? I really need someone to tell.

I started my first blog in 2004. I do not remember people wanting to be famous then. I think we were all just lonely. We needed somewhere to purge all of our piles.


So, I'll start and end with the weekend. I have not had so much on me at once in a long time.

First.

I sprained my ankle by putting my foot into a hole. I actually cried (I have a really high tolerance to pain, but OMG). This began my four day weekend. I so needed this weekend.

I also discovered that I have a tooth that needs attention (old filling from childhood gone bad).

It was cold. Before my foot twisted, my mother and I went to a few sales. Most were slow or bare or cancelled. I bought only a vintage tool chest and a few McCoy planters. I did find some great vintage ornaments in a freebie box.

We also hit up the weirdest 50% off thrift store sale ever. The sign read "50% off All Items" and then listed a bunch of examples. It ended dot dot dot "and more". Turns out "Bric-a-brac" was not included. Sigh. I did find a couple of granny square afghans for a buck or two (love) and some vintage sheets (all included in the sale). I put one on the couch back and this motivated me to paint at least one wall and hang my galleria of religious art (pix soon). Monday saw another 50% sale at the gee-w. This one, unlike the Sally Ann one, was fabulous and the prices very good. I was selective on my purchases (hard) because I am to the point I need to purge from my binges.

Anyhoo...It turned hot. Record setting hot.

Fast forward and many bills not expected paid (car repairs ect) and I was travelling back to our little city from the big city (my northern life to give you a point of reference) on Memorial Day and I decided to put on cruise control. I have been having car troubles and had been in the city to see a mechanic (who found nothing wrong except worn tires).

I have never mentioned this here. I am a law enforcement officer. A strange one that is not seen in the public eye often like a traffic officer. I work in a specific area related to my science degrees. This is not important, really, except as a minor detail to what I am about to tell.


I was pulled over going 60 mph in a 60 mph limit area. It was a classic he said, she said. We are both officers. I know what I was travelling. I gave him this detail only to let him know I am fully aware of laws and regulations. I told him I have no issue owning up to my mistakes. He insisted I give him my badge (I was, of course, off duty and the badge had nothing to do with his accusation). I refused. The situation became heated. He called for a goonie back-up to intimidate me (yeah, I am 5'03 130 poundish). He told me to get out of my car on a busy highway to fetch my badge (never asked for license and registration at this point) which was in my work bag in the trunk. He refused to identify himself, give his badge number or his agency when I requested. He gave me details of other cars I supposedly passed at 74 and these cars were never seen by me. My car is black, non-descript, popular brand. These were not the traffic pack I was travelling with on that day. My husband was in front of me in another vehicle conveniently not mentioned by the officer. He and my children saw everything. I felt powerless, but I am not powerless. I will be going to court to contest the 74/60 citation. I have a clean record and am a semi follower (read: I am on the road 70% of the week and I do not hurry). I speed only in small doses (5 mph perhaps) even on the high-speed interstate highways and I will always fully own up to any overage. I use cruise to control my speed.

There are officers who are out for themselves. They will not admit to a mistake. They feel intimidated by other officers. They will not listen and/or think. They promote themselves with dirty tactics. Sad, really...This is not me. This is him. I believe justice and ethics are the biggest importance to any law enforcement job. Any job. We are both employed to serve and protect. I am also a trained observer and he broke several "rules" with me. I know what is expected of him unlike 80% of the general public he is probably harassing. This corridor of road is the main highway through our little city and everyone knows or has been harassed by him (he does not work for the county or city). Everyone knows you do not hurry to get to the three redlights through the main drag. My FIL said he is an a-hole (very uncharacteristic for him to say something like this about a person) and was not surprised. I am related by marriage to most of the county commissioners where this occurred and the judge is a family friend. If I was speeding, I would have never, ever contested the ticket. I would pay it and be angry with myself. The county officers know this about me because the one and only time I have been pulled over in the area was for 8 over. I told him to write me a citation and apologized. he refused even after I insisted. I would have apologized to this a-hole too and taken my fine with integrity on Monday, if I truly had been speeding. I was innocent. How do you prove this guy is either a jerk or made an honest mistake he was embarrassed to own up to? It really made me think about my own position and I will be extra careful to not wrongly accuse. How's that for finding the positive in a shit situation?


So, I left IN to go back to the KY life and the car died several times. It took me nearly an extra hour (on top of the usual four) to get to the apartment. It is a newer car. It needs repairs. They could not find anything wrong on Monday when I travelled to the big city to have them look at her. We also bought new eyeglasses and contacts for the husband. Insurance for eyes and teeth is just crap. It does not matter that I have the good benefits at work. It hardly covers anything ($136 was covered with a much higher bill and we probably pay $5-10 dollars a paycheck for the privilege).

Outside this blog I am always cheery. You would not know me like this shit here. Bare with me, por favor.


I miss my babies. I want to be in one geographical location. This back and forth is wearing me down.

I hear myself whinging and I feel so down right now, but my troubles pale when I look at the world and remember there are others who are facing much bigger mountains of stuff than I am. I have to keep my perspective and look past my own self-sorry mentality.

This is not an easy task. Mountains are just so hard to see around at times.

A Good Story with a Junky Ending

So, one of the first people I met when I moved down to KY was the wonderful woman in the office next to me. We work for the same agency, different programs. She helped me tremendously with getting acquainted with other KY colleagues and learning some of the job. She is a wealth of experience and interesting stories. We even share similar ideologies!

Imagine my surprise when I mentioned I loved thrifting and I found out her and her husband (also a retired colleague in the same agency) are avid collectors, thrifters and auction attendees. We even have similar favorites as far as what we like to collect (I love the 30's/40's era). She could roll off maker's marks like nothing!

Well, the other day we were discussing spice racks for whatever reason and she mentioned she has a favorite one that is missing one piece. She has looked constantly for the missing piece, but has not been able to find it. She described it to me and the piece suddenly jumped into my head as if she had the rack in front of me (she did not). She ended up taking a picture of it and as soon as I saw it I recognized it. See, years and years ago I thrifted this one spice canister: Cloves. I have no recollection of when or where I found it, but I have carried it around with me for years. I thought it might even be in my China cabinet back in IN.

I was right. It is her missing piece!! What are the odds that two people would find complimentary vintage spice elements so far apart? How odd that the very one she is missing is the one I have? I wrapped it up and I cannot wait to gift her with it on Monday (thank goodness Gov did not shutdown!!)
I also want to share my fabulous find. It is the owl lamp I have admired in my favorite pub! I need to find a shade and I am debating painting it a solid color (except those freaky eyes), but I was so excited to spot it at a St. Vinnie's in KY. And, I saved the best for last! Here is the GORGEOUS Pyrex casserole dish I won from Brittany at My (Un)Intentional Life. Thank you so much! This pattern (along with Gooseberry) has always been my favorite and I have never found any of this one! I will treasure it!

Where Art thou

(Kentucky Fun Finds! Log cabin is marked something Brown, hillbilly guy reminds me of my childhood and the bunny is MIJ cuteness!)

Man, what a couple of busy weeks I've been having. I missed thrift show and tell again this week (too tired to even lurk about on here). Life is crazy. I have two weeks of treasures to show y'all, but I am just not feeling up to messing with photographs tonight. In fact, most of it is still in the trunk. I have to fly out to Minnesota in the morning and still need to pack. So, I will just give you a lil' teaser now and then, when I have all my projects caught up this weekend (LOL), I will photograph and do a post a day next week (Ok, in theory anyway).

My (Dis)-Organized Life

(Check out this great "free blog stuff' designer...I love her stuff!)

OK, I just got another promotion at work. This one is big, but will require more...yes, more from me. I will be traveling soon west of the Mississippi for more training and events. I may (please, please, please) get to even go to Oregon (dream for a long time!) I am really excited to be part of the team I was selected for, but...

Some days, I feel like I am just faking that I am organized and in control! (Shhh...)

My desk is covered with mountains of papers, my email box(es) are a mess, and my to-do lists keep growing. I should probably bow out of some of these projects I keep getting tossed my way, but I really, really enjoy a wide variety of work (and home) projects! I thrive on projects!

Do any of you have any good work-geared organization books or blogs you recommend? I, obviously, do not fit the "file type" mentality (I am a pile-er and it is how I succeed). Maybe I just need a good read on time management. I am one of those go-go-go type people that would probably shrink and disappear if I didn't have 20 "irons in the fire". What I need is how to not get burnt by so many irons.

At 40 YO I don't think I am willing or able to switch myself into a file-er or super-organized picture of perfection. And, I have made disorganization work for me, but I definitely could use some improvement!

How to Open a Door

This summer my marriage was on the rocks. I wanted out having thrown up the flag of defeat caused by the stress of our lifestyle. Both my husband and I were tired. Tired of long work commutes; tired of not having time, sweet, priceless time. I was overwhelmed being a full-time worker and full-time single parent (or so it felt) because his job kept him from home for days at a time. He tried finding a different job, one closer to our IN home (he drives 90 miles one way to his job in yet another state and I was driving 40 miles OW to mine in a different county). After receiving a job offer with weekend home time, the offer was canceled (corporate office placed a hiring freeze and they told him he was going to receive first offer once lifted. It's been over six months). Job prospects are looking bleak in this area of the country (um, two words: Michiana area). Homes we bought for fair prices after tons of research (I'm a scientist by training and rarely jump without a whole lotta over-analysis) have depreciated. Quickly. We lost a HUGE amount on one of the houses (and we are still dealing with the after-effects of the loss in the form of taxes). We truly felt we were being bent over the coals in Indiana (as many are feeling all over the world). We realized our generation (the X one) would not have the same opportunities are parents and grandparents knew (long-term jobs, houses that were investments, possibly retirement and one parent being home comfortably). If we continued down the path we have been on, we could find ourselves without incomes (Dh's job depends on gas prices and mine was a term contract job with the black cloud possibility of being eliminated).

I actually received the offer on my new job in 2009; however, another economy hire freeze, had put the offer on temp hold and I had been waiting for the "OK-to-hire" word for over a year. Unfortunately, the powers-that-be decided it needed to be moved further south to Louisville. I had no idea about Louisville and had never given the area or KY a thought. Once I started researching the area, I fell in love! One of the best parts: it is only four hours from where we were living (my husband's hometown). Believe me when I say: it could have been a much further distance. Even better, Hubby's employer has a division in Frankfort-a hop, skip and jump from Louisville! It seemed truly "meant to be". We both feel comfortable and happy in KY. Moving down during the week and returning home on weekends seemed like a reasonable experiment if it meant something better in the long-term.

So, what is the problem (besides selling another home hopefully not at a lose, changing schools, finding a new house...):

My mother-in-law lives nearly 1/8 of a mile from the IN house. She is close to our children (and the reason I was able to make the temporary move to KY). She cares for them, loves them, and is a huge important part of their lives. She was, as anyone could muster, terribly unhappy about Louisville. She even offered me money to move back home. She told me I could not move for 15 years (the time when my children will be done with school). She is in her late 60's and FIL is in mid-70's.

Last night I stopped by her house to pick up the boys on my way home from KY. She and her buddies were sitting around talking and drinking a few beers (a popular neighborhood past time and hang-out. She and my FIl have been in the area for many, many years and everyone knows them. FIL is a local politician.) They often ask me to join them, but after the summer events (me wanting a divorce) I haven't felt as welcome (probably my own imagination). They asked last night and I took them up on the offer. Thank goodness I did!

See, after a couple of beers I began to open up the topic of KY and the fact we would be moving south. At first she was upset. She has been in denial since I moved positions. Her friend, at first, defended my MIL not wanting us to move and said to me I was making this a traumatic event. I told them the job prospects were bleak and, unless things changed, DH would be driving that awful drive for the rest of his life (and he drives for a living too). I told them at 36 he is starting to have health issues (she knows this). He is too young for the problems he is having! I told them that with the right area and opportunities I could earn more than he does in his physically demanding job. I invested in my education to be the bread winner (and he could, in theory, take a less paying, demanding job once I reach the right pay-raise and be home more with the boys). I said we needed to think about our future: retirement, college for the boys, being able to afford a mortgage without selling out our time with our children. KY offers opportunities.

Her friend suddenly changed positions and says, "You know, she's right. The jobs are bleak here and it could be worse. They really are trying to stay as close to you as possible. They could be moving further away." I saw she was considering this and the fact she often tells me hubby looks worn out made it easier for her to consider. I told her we were looking for homes with a guest room area.

So, long story here, but we are one step closer to making this move permanent. I feel so much better having cleared the air between us, telling her my motives in "running away" to KY (she thought is was simply because of the marital issues, but we resolved most of the problems before I switch jobs). Having familial support is really important and a major key in a successful relocation to KY.

Please, please, please

O, I hope it warms up soon. The gas bill for the KY apartment doubled and I can hardly wait to see what the house bill looks like being it is a good 20 deg F colder up north. I hate hearing the furnaces kick on...I loath this time of winter!

I did manage to get tickets for the Decemberists for April here in KY and the DH is coming down to attend too. Something to look forward to considering everything else is just blah. Blah.

Today was a long and tiring day of entertaining a new supervisor. I managed to get turned around in Louisville (again) and I am sure she thinks I am totally incompetent (damn, GPS has spoiled my sense of direction!) She seemed happy when she left me, but she is also a super polite person who is rumored to complain about you behind your back. God, I hope I was tolerable. I don't think she liked the restaurant I picked for lunch (after I forgot she said she needed to eat before a noon meeting we had), but she gave me no point of reference to what she would like to eat! I took her to a local BBQ place.

I started to finally photograph my 30 X 30 choices, but I still need 5 items. I guess I wear the same things over and over and it is hard to break away from that when all I seem to do is work, go home and work, work some more. I will just randomly pick 5 things from the drawers or closet and be done with it. I need to accomplish something (personally) in my life.

I am mailing my Valentines tomorrow. Sorry for the delays on all accounts (terrible week).