Goals Week 3: Woe

1. Move: in at least three workouts (hotel has fitness room and pool). Twice
2. Budget: Start getting tax items together (make my yearly checkoff list)-nope
3. Learn: Read gardening books-some
4. Complete: finish all outstanding reports for work (these are different from files). :(
5. Sustain: Look online for potential jobs/update resume (a lot more on this later). no

Um, yea...I failed on all goal accounts last week. It ended up being a long, stressful, wintery, and tiring week. I did go to the gym twice, but, otherwise, I can't say I did much else. So, I will just carry it over to this week. I am skipping the other one I'm doing this week.

Motivation seems to be a huge factor for me when it comes to any task. This has not always been the case; generally, if I have an interest I plow full-steam into it, but if I have to do something I do the best I can anyway. Jobs have always been this way for me: I am highly productive, high achiever, and have always tried to be a top employee (e.g. volunteer a lot, participate, produce timely results, etc, etc). I've never had issues with discipline and have received many employment awards and accolades. My current job, however, seems to be really holding me back. Or maybe I should say: I am really holding back from my current job.

I tell myself I need to feel grateful to be employed, well-employed at that, and find something to love about the job. I can't believe how difficult this seems to be. I have a mean, self-centered supervisor who is causing great stress among her employees. And, for reasons I am unclear about, I seem to be fulfilling a self-made prophecy of pissing this boss off. I mean to say, a lot of what I am (not) doing (quickly enough) is the cause of the stress. I think I am being subconsciously passive aggressive. Dumb (on my part).

I have today off because I worked through Saturday this week (travel). Boss likes to bark orders and I tried to complete her order, but had some technical difficulties that IT is still working on. She is unhappy I didn't just jump when she said it. I just have never been able to work for people like this woman. Really, who can be motivated when you are constantly belittled, patronized, mistrusted and ragged upon? On the other hand, I am starting to slightly believe that the universe is conspiring to make everything hard (f-ing computer and f-ing security and f-ing bad luck).

Of course, I cannot give up as much as I want to. Sure, I want to go home. I am tired of Louisville. I am tired of micro-management. I am tired of a job that is slowly being phased out (making achievements few and far between to the chagrin of the boss). I am tired of feeling so damn unhappy. However, financially I am still getting us to a 'safe place'.

I look at the want ads back home now and then and I'm not seeing much else. I have to tough this out for now. Meanwhile, I need to find coping methods. It's been many, many years since I despised a job. I despise this job.