Tuesday, February 15, 2011

(Un)Happy, (Un)Nice

"In the end I was the mean girl or somebody's in-between girl..." ~Neko Case

One thing I can guarantee: I will never, ever have one of those "This is a Happy Blog" buttons here.

I also didn't have one of those buttons on the old retired blog either and, truth be told, ended up writing nothing but dark, crabby posts about all the complications in my life. I also had to make my public blog private because people I knew in RL were lurking and made bitching about them a very hard thing to do. I hurt feelings. I was mean.

Speaking of mean, twice in a matter of weeks I have been told I am a "mean" person. Of course, I do not see myself as such (I always offer someone to go ahead of me in a line, I give generously to family, friends and causes, I smile and use the polite greetings (please, thank you, etc.) In fact, I have found myself a door mat more than once in my life.

The difference is I do not like being a door mat and eventually snap out of it when I have had enough. This is after I politely hint I am tired of some sort of behavior. The first time I was called mean was because I chose to end a difficult (new) friendship. I tried to be nice, but in the end I lost my favorite pub hang-out (he goes in and stares angrily at me which makes me very uncomfortable). I have always been an independent sort of girl (from childhood on) and I have never been afraid to go out alone or walk near dusk or dark. Being an introvert with a bit of an outgoing streak (yep, very possible), I like to socialize a little bit (just to prove I am not a recluse). Living in a new city where I know no one (and am the only one positioned here in my job), I tend to go out alone. I make friends with regulars (to a point) and I have befriended a bartender who is the same age as me. I go in, drink my one microbrew pale ale, and go back home. After having someone stare angrily at you and tell you that you are mean because you told them over and over that you are not 'girlfriend' material, I am now a little afraid to walk about after I get home from work. I have now lost my confidence to go back out to the pub alone (this pub is two blocks from my apartment and I like to walk).

Now that I think about it, this does make me feel a bit mean. I want my pub back. I only went in 1-2 times a month, but I thought of it as a friendly, close-by place to chat with someone... anyone! Now I feel stuck and sad and not sure about this whole locality change. (Of course, this lifestyle will change drastically once my family moves down here...well, if they move. I am seriously considering returning to the cold, icky north).

The second time this month I was called "mean", it was kind of justified. Maybe I can be a mean girl. This was from a Mexican friend of a Mexican friend (back home this time). The reason he thinks I am mean is because I said a bad word during an argument (in Spanish). Apparently, the phrase I uttered in frustration is really, really insulting (I was never taught slang Spanish). Oops. I thought it was equivalent to our American cursing (um, starts with F and ends with off). Cultural lesson learned the hard way. The funny thing is the person I said it too just said it back to me in Spanish and we laughed (argument forgotten and this person taught it to me in the first place!) His friend did not think it was funny I said it. He thinks I am mean to his friend. Personally, I think men think women are mean if they stand up for themselves or deny their advances. Maybe he means to say I am a strong girl.

I am feeling quite alone these days down in the city. I attempted to go to the Y tonight (exercise helps depression), but could not figure out the parking situation (it is downtown and they have a garage somewhere). There is one closer to my office in another county and I will go there tomorrow instead. I have gained nearly 10 pounds (maybe more) since I moved down here. I worked hard to get in shape and now I am letting it go. When I am down, I crave and crave sugar which starts a vicious cycle of addiction. I have to give up the pale ales too. This also makes me feel mean.

I guess I am saying all of this to myself. My record of being a mean girl. I just can't seem to create a happy environment. I do try now and then and it is a goal (albeit, one I am going to fail miserably at achieving). Hmm, all of this makes me wonder: do they make a "This is a Mean Girl's Blog" button?


By the Bluegrass said...

You could always make your own button. ;) Okay, I have to know which pub you're talking about. Where are you from originally? I have often heard that people in Louisville are really nice and friendly, but can also be cliquish, because they are so tight with childhood friends. I don't know, because I was raised here. In fact, we use to live off of Lime Kiln Ln. You gotta tell me more about yourself. Where does your child(ren) go to school?
(p.s. thanks for following my blog) :)

Gina said...

LOL, "bluegrass" caught my eye! I am in Germantown currently in a shotgun house. I picked it after coming down here one weekend and looking at 6-7 places near downtown; I thought it would be interesting to live in the heart of Louisville and GT seemed safer than the ones further west (altho, those houses are absolutely stunning). Our IN house is rural and I tend to be a bit of an extremist (deep country...bustling city). Now I am ready to move out of the heart and into one of Louisville's limbs! Altho, if we need to extend out arrangement into next year I hope to move over to the Bardstown area when the lease expires (this is the first time I have rented a place since 1996!)

I am still researching schools. My husband will be transfering after school up north [NE Indiana]is finished for the eldest boy (8). We looked at one house out near Shelbyville (I posted about it I think in Jan). Gorgeous, but something wasn't quite right. I have another son too (3) who is quite advanced thanks to his older brother (and is more than ready for a bit of pre-school). I miss them terribly during the week! I love KY, but it's been a tough 9 months being w/o them part of the week. The job transfer was just a really great opportunity and husband's company has a division in Frankfort. It seemed ready made for us!

I cross Lime Kiln every day to go to work and for a long time my mind read "Lime Kilt" and I had this picture of a Scot wearing a lime-colored tartan kilt! One day, while at the light on 42, I realized it said KILN. Anyway, I thought it was a great name for a road (and blog!)

I have found Louisville people to be VERY friendly. In fact, I have moved to many cities in my career (Tucson, LA, Maryland, Indiana) and visit a new one every other week, Louisville is by far the friendliest city I have ever encountered (the number one reason I have fallen for it). I, unfortunately, seem to be a weirdo magnet and keep meeting all the desparate people here in G-T.

I think once I am down here permanently (I travel 4 hours north each weekend) and have time to join a few interesting causes, community and programs around the area, I think my outlook will improve and I will make friends.

I do think this would have been a great place to be raised (I grew up in Fort Wayne)! I am hoping my boys will think so!

By the Bluegrass said...

Hey you need to put your email on your blog. I was going to email you back, rather than posting under a comment.

tansy said...

girl, i have known you for years and the word i would use to describe you is definitely NOT mean!

people say awful things when they are intimidated by others or feel threatened in some way or don't get their way. if anyone is mean, it's the guy that makes you feel unsafe and threatened to the point that you have to alter your life and not do the things that make you feel good or happy such as going to a local pub for a drink.

i hope that creep goes away soon and you can enjoy yourself again. that is total bs.

if you ever need to talk, call me! we're down to 1 car so i'm almost always here.


Gina said...

Thanks, Tansy...I so appreciate your friendship and support!! :)