Sunday, January 16, 2011

Conundrum of Fickleness

Today should have been a great day...

Instead, it turned out to be one of those grey, gloomy, January, what-the-hell-am-I-doing-in Kentucky kind of days. Remember those $1.64 mint M & M's I mentioned the other day? Well, I am eating them straight out of the bag with my cinnamon tea tonight and hoping I don't fall back into one of the crying fits I've been having all evening.

I'm not sure how all of this happened. Kids and hubby came down to stay with me this weekend in order to give me a driving break and to look at the lovely house. We had a great Saturday: thrifting, trying new Louisville restaurant, picking up shells by the big Ohio River, watching movies back at the apartment. The kids seemed happy to be with me and I was truly enjoying having them near me. I miss them so much during the week (so much in fact, that when they squabble and scream at the top of their lungs in an apartment house it takes me longer to nearly have a nervous breakdown!! ;) They had planned to stay until Monday (holiday for me), but it turns out my eldest boy has scholastic testing starting this week so they left this evening. It actually would have made more sense for me to drive home and have an extra day with them.

Earlier today we did view the house. It is as I described, but I forgot to mention that I tend to be a fickle girl. My Ones only stay Ones in my imagination and I soon discover the flaws are bigger than the drive to make it mine. The house, unfortunately, is just too big of a project for me. And, I am just not in love with the land surrounding it. I think this is the biggie for me. While the house is the perfect shabby I could love and love to restore, the land surrounding it is open and ugly. This is difficult for me because I already own a mediocre house on some really, really beautiful land. Eight less acres than the IN house comes with and no woods or pastures or seclusion like my current home. The bad part here is the current home is not in the state I am living in most of the week. Seems I am stuck in the middle of a huge conundrum!

I did take a couple of photos before my battery died (note to self: check batteries before leaving) and I enjoyed looking through it again (I have to say it seemed a lot smaller to me this time). I even found a third fireplace (on the first floor) in a back part of a built in closet. Why would someone cover it? The disturbing thing I notice was someone had removed all of the fireplace doors and/or are trying to remove them altogether. I stressed to the realtor the fireplaces are what is selling me on the house and without them I am not interested at all. Maybe they are selling them...dumb move on their part because nothing else is worth the investment (maybe the main stairwell too).

On the way back to the hovel, I was lost in thought. Sure, the house has all the qualities that my dream house would have: slightly spooky (check), original features (check), located in a rural setting (check), animal visitors (check-first time a beagle, second a black cat), and priced to sell (check); hoever, something is holding me back. Something is not sitting well inside me.

Once home, KY apartment that is, I looked at my husband who is a terribly patient man (one of his best redeeming feature over and over because it is not just houses I can get fickle about) and suddenly I burst into tears. I can't even tell you the last time this happened to me. I don't just go around bursting out into tears. He hugged me and it was then I knew I just want to go home. Home, in my mind right now, is the ugly house and beautiful land we have back in Indiana.

I suddenly realized I am also not in love with my job. I took a huge leap of chance at quiting my old position and taking this new one. My job is interesting and a great party favor sort of job (you know the one where you tell someone what you do for a living and they get big-eyed and tell you how neat it sounds). It is a great job on paper, but I am not fitting myself into it. I, of course, will always do my best and force a fit, but I will suffer from the pain this forced satisfaction will cause. The pay is also great; I will have a hard time finding something in my field for the same amount. How do you know if you should trust your feelings: Should I give up and accept less money for something I may like better or is this just a temporary winter blues bubble caused by homesickness and stress of a new job? It is literally a mind-F if you know what I mean.

When I think about selling ugly house and buying something new (even lovely house) I just feel exhausted. The realtor was talking about lending and surveys and appraisals and inspections and I just wanted to walk away right then. Do you remember how stressful house buying is? We just bought ugly house three years ago. It is still fresh in my mind. And, the house is in sad disrepair. It will need a lot of major work (not on major systems, though, mostly cosmetic, like crumbling plaster and worn floors). This will require money. Ugly house was move-in ready (of course now we will need to fix our "wear and tear"). I just am so not confident we would be able to get it done. There are no outbuildings-a major problem for a thrifter like me and a procrastinator like my husband.

Anyway, I cried and cried. I needed it! I cried about the frustrations at my job (no training and the whole philosophy you learn after making mistakes-I am not good with this type of on-the-job training as I do not like to make mistakes), I cried about both houses, I cried because I miss my kids so much. I cried because I am starting to believe I made a huge faux pas by moving down to Kentucky. When I cried I wanted to go home, my husband never looked happier...


Monica said...

You've got a LOT on your plate. Don't let yourself wallow too long, even if it is with mint M & M's. :)

Regarding the house, perhaps it's better to realize sooner than later that you aren't in love with the entire thing. When we moved into our house, there were (and still are) things that bug me about it, but for the most part I can live with them. The yard would be a big one for me too.

Take some time and have a good heart-to-heart with yourself. I'm thinking of you. :)

Lots of hugs,

tansy said...

changes can be hard. sit on it awhile and see if you still feel like this in a few weeks...

do you have full spectrum bulbs in your apartment? i used them the first time this year and it has really helped me with the depression.

hang in there! spring is right around the corner!!

Gina said...

Thanks to you both. Feeling a bit better today. I guess today is the "most depressed day". Hmmm...

I will consider the lighting and thanks for the tip. I know the lighting is horrible in this apt.