Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Frank Me

Friends from my old blog know I am a "say it as it is" kind of person. I have a hard time maintaining facades and pretending things are cheery and wonderful when in reality I am not happy. It is an annoying trait I know I possess and quite contrary to how Americans (in my humble opinion) are socialized.

Truth be told I am struggling. Remember the great house I found? Well, I hesitated and an investor bought it out from under us in one weekend. The day the realtor called and gave me the news, I had just been on the phone with a friend. The friend and I were arguing and have not spoken since mainly due to my "say it as it is" attitude. Then, if all of this was not enough, the following weekend my MIL and I fought because she said, in front of my children, "You left them..."

I have been in Kentucky for six seven months now. I am lonely. I miss my children and husband. I miss our little farm and my animals. I miss my house and even its perpetual mess. I miss cooking for my family. I even miss the laundry! I keep going back and forth on what to do. Part of me wants to go home (I would be lying to say this wasn't true) and part of me wants things to proceed as it seems to be. I want my family together in one spot. I feel lost. I try to look at new homes, but I haven't found any that would replace the one I already have. I loved the one I hesitated on, but the key word is "hesitated". I can't seem to shake my fear of the unknown. I can't seem to take the steps forward that I need to take to get things back together.

I went to a new doctor this week (here in KY) and she said, "This phase will pass...trust in God or your own spiritual belief that this difficult time will pass..." I really, really want to believe this to be true.

On a side note, the Dr. scheduled me a mammogram. My maternal grandmother died at 43 from breast cancer. My aunts (mom's sisters) all died from breast cancer (various ages), and my own mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 43. I turned 40 in October and resemble the maternal side of the family. I guess I should have been getting these a few years ago.

OK, back to the whinge...

I hope I made the right decision coming here. I love KY. I love the spring weather, greenness and blossoms all around. I love the hills and the wildness of this place. I despise the long winters of the Great Lakes area, the perpetual flatness. This is the part where I am sure I am in the right spot. However, there is the nagging fear. The fear that I made the wrong decision and have upset our life permanently. I love our 10 acre property and I know I will not be able to find anything comparable at the price we paid. The house we lost would have been close; however, it was further out away from life than our current place and this was why I think I hesitated.

Sigh. I am just talking in circles. I have been thinking in circles for weeks and it is driving me crazy.


By the Bluegrass said...

Aww, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time! I believe that one property wasn't meant to be. That's why it sold and more importantly that is why you hesitated. It just means that something better and more right will come along. What about having your family come here (during the summer) and you guys rent an apartment or a house for a while, so you can all go on the house hunt together. Find a place to rent in the school area where you think you want the kids to go to school and then see how it goes from there. Getting the family together is more important than finding the perfect house. I know that buying a house is an expensive investment and you want it to be perfect. But, you always have to comprise something when you buy a house...either, location, or size, or whatever. Maybe taking some of the emotion out of it when you are looking and start thinking more w/ your mind. Look at things from the standpoint of "will this fit the needs for the boys and will this work for each of our jobs". And, when you find one that tics those 'need' boxes, you can know that you don't have to there forever, just a few years. I don't think it is uncommon for a relocation family to move a couple of times before finding their perfect house. I live in a transient neighborhood, where lots of out of towners move in and out. Our next door neigbors are from Florida and they are renting the house. Now, that they have lived here for a while as a family they know they want to buy a house in St. Matthews. We also had a family from Wisconsin that bought a house in the neighborhood and lived in it for a year or two and then decided to buy a house closer to town, that was their perfect house. I think if you see it form the point of view that it doesn't have to be so permanent, it will ease that fear a bit.
I hope your next week starts looking up!

Gina said...

Thanks for your sage advice, Sena. Just what i needed!! You are so right in that I really need to look at this practically and not with my emotions (which are so up and down of late). Sr and I have been talking about renting just this week! I found a school I am interested in for the eldest boy and my landlord left me a note on my door about a house she has coming available in May. Seems fate is intervening!!

Thanks for commenting (it means a lot!)